Every day was the same. I wiped butts, changed diapers, prepared food that went untouched, filled and re-filled water bottles and milk bottles about 50 times, cleaned up messes, explained continuously why we couldn’t go outside to play in the 15-degree Utah weather, beat myself up about allowing too much screen time, but dreaded spending even thirty more seconds playing tea party after already doing it ten different times during the day. I counted down the minutes until my husband would get home so that I could talk to another adult and no longer be solo parenting. I was a stay-at-home-mom and I was miserable.
At 10pm when I finally laid my head down on the pillow, all I could think about was how much I didn’t want to fall asleep just to wake up tomorrow and do everything all over again. At the exact moment that thought crossed my mind, I felt intense guilt wash over me for not enjoying the time I had home with my children whom I loved so much. The combination of anxiety, unrelenting guilt, and dread for the days ahead overwhelmed me. I felt the panic and tears coming, but I didn’t want to wake my daughter next to me and lose the few minutes of quiet alone time I finally earned after such a long day, so I pushed the feelings away and turned to my phone to doom-scroll. This was my form of taking back my time for me. I participated in this same mindless attempt to drown out everything I was feeling in order to be able to face it all again in the morning Every. Single. Night. And while it did help me ignore my feelings and eventually fall asleep, it was always only temporary because as soon as I woke up the next morning, all of those awful feelings would come flooding back.
I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I couldn’t continue doing this for 5+ more years until my youngest child went to kindergarten. I was so confused by that, though, because this was what I had always wanted.
As a girl and young adult, I never dreamed of having a big career. I dreamed of being a mom. I wanted to not just have children, but also to spend as much time with them as possible by being a stay-at-home-mom. I wanted to be their sole-caregiver during the workday and enjoy parenting them with my husband in the evenings and weekends when he was home from work. I always imagined it as the ideal way to raise a family, and I couldn’t wait to experience that life.
It wasn’t long after the birth of my first daughter that I realized staying home with her all day every day was not what I thought it was going to be. When my daughter was just a few months old, I started to experience hopelessness, chronic fatigue, low energy, loss of interest in things that once brought me joy, worthlessness, and even rage. I knew that postpartum depression and anxiety could rear its ugly head at any time in the first two years postpartum, so I chalked it up to that. I just needed to give it time and it would pass. I was sure that once my hormones regulated, all of my negative feelings about being a SAHM would dissipate and I would fall in love with my new role, just as I always imagined.
Time passed and I never fell in love with being a stay-at-home-mom. In fact, the negative feelings I felt about being home with my kids only multiplied and felt even heavier to carry with each passing day.
I felt like the worst mom ever. “How could I be so selfish? So many parents would kill to be home with their children all day. My husband works hard to make this happen. Why can’t I enjoy it? Why on earth is this so hard for ME of all people, who dreamed about this my entire life? There has to be something wrong with me.” The negative self-talk was never-ending and I steeped deeper into a pit of depression that I couldn’t imagine ever being able to crawl out of.
And then something happened. I found the courage to admit to my husband (and myself) that I didn’t think being home with my children full-time was right for me. He knew I had been struggling with this for years, but he also knew how bad I wanted it, and just like me, he hoped things would improve over time. Through tears, I told him I didn’t think I could continue doing things the same way, and that I wanted to hire a nanny to come care for the kids part-time while I focused more time on running Doulas of Utah. My husband was quick to agree that it sounded like a great idea because he, too, knew that something needed to change. I felt such immense relief as I laid down in bed that night and instead of my usual doom-scrolling, I started searching for and contacting local nannies.
Over the next few months, we tried a couple of nannies, but ultimately determined that the stability and quality of care offered by a local daycare center was what was best for our children. They went to daycare for four hours a day every weekday. I was able to take them somewhere they enjoyed being and were well cared for and dedicate those four uninterrupted hours each day to my business. It was glorious. Right away, I started to feel like myself again. I started to feel joy and hope, and my energy increased so much. And you’ll never guess what else happened. I started to enjoy my time with my kids so much more. I became a better, more attentive mom because I had time away from my children to work on another aspect of my life that I was passionate about. My children now attend daycare full-time and they are thriving. As is my business. As is our entire family. THIS is my new dream and I’m enjoying every minute of it.
I know now that what I experienced was Stay-At-Home-Mom Syndrome, also referred to as Stay-At-Home-Mom Depression. I share this story because I now know that I wasn’t alone in these feelings. For many of us, there’s shame attached to SAHM Syndrome. That shame prevents us from talking about it and normalizing it. If you read this article, the thing I want you to know most is that you are not alone and there is no shame in figuring out what you need to thrive. If Doulas of Utah can be of assistance to you in any way, contact us today.
